dear blogger....

Blogger isn't as fun as Tumblr is anymore.
Tumblr is better really. I don't care about decorating a blog anymore..
I figured out how to do it better on Tumblr :)

I love TUMBLR <3

blah :'(

I feel like legit sick to my stomach. My boyfriend is leaving college to go home for the semester since he doesn’t like his program. I’m fine with it. If it’s what he wants to do then I am okay with it. I’m just really upset about it. I make it seem like me and him are never going to see each other ever again even though I know we will. I’m just freaking out because I did EVERY THING with him and now he’s going to be gone within the next 5 hours :( Sleeping over at his house last night could have possibly been not such a good idea. Waking up this morning and leaving him to go to class was hard. Because I knew he would be leaving shortly after I am done class. I don’t like Oshawa and I only put up with it because he was there with me and helped me cope with it. I haven’t eaten REALLY in like three days, and I DON’T feel hungry at all either. I feel exhausted though because lack of sleep from worrying about everything for this next semester. I’m sure I’ll be fine. but the semester is going to go by slower because I won’t have him there to keep me busy constantly. We went everywhere together. he helped me get my groceries and we went out to eat and we just hung out together ALL the time. I don’t like that he is leaving but I know it would be better for him so I’m going to have to suck it up.

I will miss you :( <3

i swear..

that I have autophobia..

Autophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of loneliness, of being alone. A fear of solitude. Sufferers from autophobia may experience anxiety even though they realize that being alone does not threaten their well-being. They may worry about being ignored and unloved, or they may worry about intruders, strange noises or the possibility of developing a medical problem.

All of the things in bold italic, are ME..

Autophobia is the fear of being alone. And I really do have serious issues about being alone. I’m not a very independent person and I KNOW that I have to learn to be. But it’s hard. Especially when you haven’t been by yourself from the start really. Being shy also DOES not help whatsoever. If you are completely confident to walk down a street and talk to someone you don’t even know because you have to do it, than good for you. It’s obviously something you were born with and you are good at it. With me.. Well it’s a whole other story. If I was told to walk down a street and talk to someone I don’t know about something, first thing I do is ask someone if they want to come along, and then once I know somebody is going with me, I gain confidence and feel fine. But as soon as I have to be alone and in a situation I am not comfortable with, my confidence DROPS. I can’t handle being alone. It scares the crap out of me. Everybody always tells me.. Amber, you HAVE to learn to do stuff on your own or you’re not going to get anywhere in life. I know that. I’m just scared. I CAN do stuff on my own BUT I would rather not. People just don’t seem to understand me.

I am so angry and sick of everything.

I hate it when this happens.
Everything is so shitty lately.
I’m quite upset with things I have been told lately. I wish everything would just stop being so dumb and stay PERFECT for a while. I’m fine for a few days and then everything gets screwed up again. What the frig is with this shit all the time. 

Dear ___________,
You need to tell ________ that you are old enough to make your own decisions and it’s time that you ABLE to start making your own decisions. It’s clear you want to do what you want and you are being held back and ________ aren’t letting you go through with what you want and are forcing you to stay away from what you want. I know you are truely making some difficult decisions already but don’t let __________ hold you back from what you want. Stand up and tell __________ that you are sick of ________ trying to get you to do what ____________ want you to do. That’s unfair to you and I know that you know it is too. You have kept me sane and I’m not sure what I would do without you around. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t survive. It’s likely going to be hard if you actually do what _________ want but I’m going to have to live with it. 

Love, Amber. 

so i herd you liek mudkipz..

yesh, dis i herd, so i drewed dis.

I love..

when I talk in my sleep. Last night I spent the night at my boyfriends house and it was midnight. I was tired as flip. So I lay down on Andrew’s bed and try and sleep. Andrew is doing laundry and I pass out. He comes back sometime in my sleep and sits beside me or something. (I wouldn’t know when because I was asleep lol) Anyways. I’m sleeping. Like I am completely out of it and all of a sudden I say “I love how eight random animal monkeys just appear.” Then I hear a laugh. In my sleep and dream I THOUGHT I was talking to Andrew so when I woke up and realized what’s going on, I was like “Damn it.” So I wake up and realize I was talking in my sleep and say “Awh, fuck!” and dig my head into my pillow in embarrassment. Haha. Just thought I should share this random moment because everytime I think about it. I laugh hard.

Woohoo!

Christmas is a mere three days away! I'm getting really excited. My uncle neil is on the phone with my mother right now and I think he is coming up for Christmas. Which is fantastic because every Christmas it's just my mom, dad, sister and me. So now it's going to be a nice Christmas. A family Christmas! I'm so happy we're finally going to have company for Christmas! And then I think the next day (hopefully) my boyfriend, Andrew is coming over and I am giving him his Christmas gift :D He will really like it, I know he will. Christmas is my most favourite time of year! And it's not because of gifts and food. It's because I get to spend it with the people I love and I love the holiday Christmas-y feeling. It makes me ridiculously happy!

Christmas is coming.. :) + rant a bit again ..

Yahoo. Christmas is approaching and fairly quickly if I do say so myself. I'm quite excited. My mom and I went to the mall last night so she could do her Christmas shopping. First thing we got was my favourite bands NEW CD which JUST came out December 14th. I was going to buy it myself but when I mentioned about going and getting it first, my mom was like "Let's go grab your CD but you can't have it until Christmas." Meaning I wasn't buying it. So I said okay and felt a little less excited but still very excited since I KNOW I am getting it :D On that note, also I got three new pairs of jeans for Christmas too. Yes I know, I'm not supposed to know what I got, but my mom took me along with her so I could pick out my own clothes since she knows we like our own style type thing. I bought two pairs of pants I like a lot and got another pair and they turned out to be skinny jeans. I'm not a fan of skinny jeans but I plan on wearing them with my ugg style boots since ANY pair of pants look like skinny jeans in those bots if you tuck the pants in haha. Feels really weird for me but my boyfriend is writing his last exam today.. It feels weird because one, he NEVER went to class. He never went to class for at least three months :\ and I was out of school last week so I feel like it was EVERYBODY's last week, last week lol. Oh well, I get a longer break then everyone else :) Pretty happy about that.

Oh, I have some ranting to do.
Remember my previous post titled "Rant, rant, rant.." ? Well who I am talking about is still doing it and it's pissing me off. You just don't understand you know that? Nobody cares about how you're having a bad day all day, everyday. It's annoying to read it everyday. Maybe if you had a good day for once people would enjoy it more and you would have more good days? Just sayin'.

Back to another good note..
I'm FINALLY going to be hanging out with my long time best friend Alaina De Luca Sunday until tuesday. I'm pretty stoked about it. We haven't seen each other since Summer Rush on August 8th :( That's kind of depressing. I miss her a ton. And then after I hang out with her it will soon be Christmas and theeeeeeen I'm hoping and thinking that my boyfriend is coming over the day after Christmas :) Because my family wanted to have him over FOR Christmas but he has his own family to go home to obviously and so he's hopefully coming over the next day. He can eat Turkey Dinner here lol well, delicious left overs.. Which there will be a TON since we only ever have four people here on Christmas and the turkey we get usually could probably feed 10 lmao. He is also going to open the gift I got him :) And lately he's been a gigantic pain in my bum bum. This is because he wants HINTS. He asked for a hint and I gave it to him and then I was expecting him to stop asking. NOW he's asking again. And every time I say I'm not giving him another hint he decides to say "You hate me :(" lol he's cute. I of course don't hate him. I just like teasing him because he is fun to tease and I get to watch him squirm and figure out what his gift is. HAHAHA, I'm evil aren't I? Oh well. He KNOWS it will be worth the waiting when he gets to open it anyways lol. Apparently he has a gift for me and I haven't even asked for hints like ONCE. I actually completely forgot and keep forgetting he actually got me something. Haha, I think this is possibly the longest post I have ever written. But I guess I feel like I need to catch up because I haven't written to much and haven't written hardly over the past couple weeks..

So..
Christmas yes? Come a LIIIIIIITTLE quicker please ? :) No I'm just kidding, the faster Christmas comes, the faster New Years comes. And the faster New Years comes the faster school comes :\ :( I don't wanna go back to school. Blah.

rant rant rannnnntttt >:|

There are a few things that I hate..

- little sisters who think that they are SO much tougher and more mature than you.
my sister decided to TELL on me because you asked her if they stole one of my granola bars hahahahahaha, you're a fat bitch.

- people who complain about absolutely everything.
you need to learn that you are really annoying and you won't learn until someone actually tells you that you're annoying. This kind of makes me sound like a bitch, but I don't care.. I'm sick of hearing you complain about everythingggg >:|

- people who always put the same stuff in their facebook status'.
OMG, I could kill you! I HATE READING THE SAME SHIT EVERYDAY! LAY OFF THE REPETATIVENESS! >:|

- people who write how shitty their day was as their status.. EVERYDAY.
for one, we get that your day was shit the first second and third day.. but the fourth, fifth, and sixth and beyond we DON'T need to hear it anymoreeee >:||

hum .

Well, well, well.. I certainly have not written a blog post in a very long time. (I think it's only been a week) but whatever.. It feels like 100x longer than that.  Just finished writing my photography exam. Was kind of easy because I actually read over the review questions he asked us last week and then the test was BASICALLY the exact same. which was good. I'm tired cause I was up early last night but I somehow actually managed to wake up on time today. Seeing as the past two days I have been waking up late.. Uh-oh. Well last night I ACTUALLY set my alarm for eight and bam woke up this morning at quarter after eight. Good thing I didn't decide to keep sleeping. My alarm definitely DIDN'T go off again.. holy moly. I'm glad I woke up when I did though. Definitely didn't want to be late. Oh, I also had a scare today.. I got my final test back to look at and see what I got and it said "Final Test Mark - 65%." I FREAKED out thinking that was my final mark in the CLASS for the semester. THEN I looked at the top of my test and saw "Class Final Grade - 75%" and was like "NO WAY! THAT'S WAY BETTER THAN WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE!!!" Glad I passed, and I'm hoping I pass the rest of my classes as well. A piss off for next semester is that I don't get Friday's off anymore.. PFFT. What the frig. That is retarded. It's all because of my drawing teacher.. She has "health issues" and only able to do monday and friday classes apparently or something.. screw her. Makes me angry, oh well, my only class on Friday's is drawing class again from 11-2. So same time as this semester. My last day of classes is tomorrow. Then I'm off from school for a whole month! :) Yay for Christmas Break! :D I cannot wait to be home for that long. Then semester two starts. Not really looking forward to it but at least I get to be at home for a month :) I'm halfway done my first year of college! Woohoo! Anywho, gunna go. Post atcha lateeer.

I'm a nerrrrd man ..

Wow.. I am THEE biggest nerd I know. I downloaded over 500+ Legend of Zelda Soundtrack songs. And probably about another 200+ other video game soundtrack songs. AND 20+ Deadmau5 songs <3 Holy friiiig. Love em. Anyways, I'm going back to Oshawa today. Hopefully later than 4 or 5 because ma boyfraaand ain't showing up to Oshawa until 9ish tonight and he said when he gets to Oshawa he's going to catch a bus to my place :) hehe. I'm really hungry right now. Well my mommy is making oatmeal muffins.. YUM! There are DELICIOUS when they just come out of the oven. Well.. ALL muffins usually are. Yum yumsssss, so hungrrrrrry :( Maybe on the way back up to Oshawa, I'll get my dad to buy me some tim-bits! :D

Why..

Is everything so fucky lately. One thing gets fixed and then another thing gets fucked up and blaaah. I hate this crap so much..

I'm clearly a loner or not wanted or something .

Basically, all my friends went to a bar tonight. And what am I doing?.. I'm sitting here blogging while they are all having fun. Well this is how it goes down. We got ready and all got in the car and drove to the on campus bar called Shagwell's. When we got there we stood in line. Nobody decides to tell me that this bar wants to see government issued ID to get INTO it. I know, I know. *Amber.. it's a bar.. they always ask for ID* Well I know that BUT I thought it was a restaurant/bar. You know, where if you're not drinking they still let you in without you having to show that you're 19. Well anyways, once I knew that, the person who drove us there was leaving and LUCKILY I caught him when I ran out. While in the line though, I kept frantically telling my boyfriend I WOULDN'T get in and I knew I wouldn't be getting it. He kept telling me I would, then our friend Tyler says, there's no way you're getting in there without government ID, so I said to my boyfriend, well want to come back to residence with me so I'm not stuck looking like a loner? He said "Well, I really kind of want to go into the bar." This is when I said, fine give me your card key for your room, and I'll just go stay there, you guys can have fun." He gave it to me and just told me to grab my birth certificate and come back. So then I ran out to find our friend Mike (The one who drove us there) and he drove me back to residence where I had to get past the front desk without a card key that was mine. Since I don't live on residence, I don't HAVE a card key and had my boyfriends instead and KNEW I wouldn't be able to get by because it's not my card and they won't let me by. Well they only usually want to see the card but not any specific part of it. I covered the picture and just showed then end of it while walking by and WALLA.. They let me go by, and I got up into the room. Now I'm sitting here blogging about this while they are all at the bar having fun. Seeing as after 2am, you are not allowed to sign anyone in.. I don't know how my boyfriend is going to get up here without his card key.. I have it, and if I go down there to give it to him, I will have to sign in, but again.. after 2 am they don't let you sign people in and the bar closes at 2 which is when they will be coming back. So I texted my boyfriend telling him that he is going to have to tell residence that he FORGOT his key up in his room OR just get his roommate Tyler to run up to the room and come grab it because I want to go to bed now because I am tired, I have a class at 11-2 then I'm going home for the weekend. Yep. Lovely..

Happy .

I'm so happy that everything is all better. My boyfriend stopped being a prick and yesterday he texted me telling me I could go over to his place if i wanted. I said that I couldn't because I was on the bus already on the way to my house. La la la, some time went by and I told him to come to my house and stuff to help me with the groceries and stuff and so he did and then we went to my house and had hot dogs and kraft dinner, and when I was doing the dishes, I told him to dry them and he put the cloth down and came up behind me and hugged me around my waste and said, I want to hug you. I thought it was so sweet. He hasn't just came up behind me and hugged me like that in a LOOONG time. I told him that it completely made my day. When we first got to my house though (before we ate and did the dishes) he sat on my bed and went and sat beside him and he just grabbed me and hugged me so tightly like saying sorry. After we were done at my house, we went to the bus stop and it was freezing outside and he looked at the time that the bus was coming and he read the wrong time, and we actually had to wait another hour. So then we went and sat in PIzza Pizza and bought garlic bread and pop, went back out for the bus, got on and went to the school and went up to his residence room at like 11 I took a shower, was done at 12 then and went to sleep. Well.. we didn't end out sleeping until 2:30 cause he kept tickling me and kissing me, so I couldn't fall asleep lol. He was like "We play around too much." And we do when we're bored and can't sleep we just like wrestle and tickle the crap out of each other haha it's so cute. And I love spending time with him <3

I'm glad everything is all good with him <3

gapituhgjkfndlbzat

I hate the feeling you get when you're SO upset that you don't even know what to do with yourself.. Yup, I have that feeling right now. I have food and a drink in front of me and I feel hungry and thirsty then I look at it and say no, I can't because I really don't have an appetite for it anymore. And I don't have an appetite because I'm in such a depressive mood. I have been all weekend. I was enjoying my weekend at home but I still felt REALLY down. And I hardly ate all weekend DUE to it. I just can't help it. I completely lose my appetite. I can't stand someone being mad at me for no reason or for something I didn't do. I don't DESERVE to be ignored because someone is mad at ME for no reason. It is REALLY unfair. This whole situation is unfair. You told me something that you did that made me REALLY angry and you tried to say sorry and hugged me and said sorry again but I knew it wasn't THAT big of a deal and I knew that I couldn't stay mad at you forever because of it and within ten minutes I forgave you and everything was okay. But YOU.. You hold a grudge against me like I killed something close to you. I simply complain about something and BAM, silent treatment for so far six days.. Wow. I hold a grudge for ten minutes because you do something I'm not going to mention and you hold a SIX day grudge because I complained.. I don't understand you or your mind or what goes through your mind. But seriously, I don't deserve this whatsoever. You make it seem like I'm the bad guy and you always try and put everything on me. Well it's not fair and you're not fair to me.. I remember when you used to say stuff like "You're Beautiful" or "You mean everything to me" or "I would be lost without you.." You hardly ever say stuff like that to me anymore, you hardly EVER kiss me anymore, and yeah sure you will say we kiss ALL the time but that's because I KISS YOU, you haven't kissed ME for months, you don't hug me, you're always pushing me away and I can't stand it anymore. Let's trade spots for a while, so you can honestly feel how I feel.. I'll get mad at you for say simply not answering me when I talk to you.. That's how little of something you get mad at me for. Its UNFAIR and immature.

Hope you start to realize what you do to me..

wow, fucking WOW!

Well my happy mood just went down the drain.. SERIOUSLY!? look at this and I will explain myself afterwards of why I'm angry at this.


This is my boyfriends current facebook status..

"food, then going to hopefully hand out some resumes and pick up some tequila, and maybe some others to try me some "Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker" since no one wanted to do shots saturday night"

PARDON ME!? Like okay for food and handing out resumes but ALCOHOL!? YOU NEVER DRINK! And every time we are together and with friends and everyone is drinking you get mad because I drink a little bit and always say you're not into drinking and you don't like drinking yet you'll down a bottle of tequila you asshole, what the fuck are you thinking. Shows how much fun you have without me fucking PRICK.

I'm so mad right now..

La la la ..

Happy for one reason and that is that THIS time I FINALLY got the block I wanted for classes. Last time I went to go pick classes there was only ONE block left THEREFORE, I was stuck in a class with people I didn't know. Which was alright cause I ended up liking my semester and meeting new people. Needless to say if I was in the other blocks I don't know how it would have went. This time, for picking out classes there was TWO blocks only. In the summer there was three.. meaning our classes are now bigger because we are separated into two classes. Lovely. I'm likely going to meet new people again and I have a few of my friends from this semester in the next semester class as well. Sounds good to me. A very very good UPSIDE to this is that I do not whatsoever have classes on Fridays! Exciting cause I can now go home on Thursdays after school :) Wheee! :D Kind of exciting. Christmas break is quickly approaching as well and I'm really excited. Mom started getting all the Christmas decorations and trees and stuff out. Stoked. I already have a couple of presents laying in the living room on the couch haha. I already know what they are too! That's because I went with my mom to pick stuff out for my sister but my mom said if I see something I want for Christmas to tell her and she'll get it. SO she got me a few things so far. She said she was going to go with Amanda this week to help pick stuff out for me since I helped pick stuff out for Amanda. My mom and I also bought my dad some sweet pyjamas. When I was coming home on Thursday after my classes, my dad had to stop at Canadian Tire. SO I went in with him. I found the cutest little dog sweater vest thing, and some cute little reindeer ears. I bought him BOTH and he looks awfully cute in both. My dad bought him this rubbery orange ball and he loves it too. Anyways, I don't really know what else to post but yeah, going back to Oshawa tonight. Not happy about it but four days of school then back home HOPEFULLY, but I'm going to guess right now.. I'll be staying in Oshawa this weekend. I hope not but I probably will. La La La.

I have..

posted a LOT within the last like 5 days or so. But that is what a blog is for isn't it? So I can rant and rant and my readers will have to deal with it. Anyways, I'm glad that I didn't go back to Oshawa today. I don't know what I would have done. I would have been bored out of my mind. At least today I had a good and fun day. I'm going back to Oshawa tomorrow. I'm not going to my class that I have tomorrow because it's so early in the morning and it's my only class, so my dad suggested I stay home another day. So I obviously said yes. But Tuesday I have a class and it's at 12 until 2. So only a two hour class again but at least LATER in the day. It's nice and toasty sitting in my living room, wrapped in a blanket, watching television, eating a chocolate dipped granola bar (typical me) and typing this up. I'm planning on playing my Nintendo DSi soon. That is how bored I am. Oh.. I'm still being ignored by the way. I'm not too impressed at all. Anyways, off to video games we gooooo :)

happy , but not as happy as i COULD be .

Well it seems I get to stay home another day because I only have an 8 o'clock class tomorrow AND it's my only class and I don't have anything due so I'm not going :) instead.. I'm staying home and going to Oshawa tomorrow! Yay :)

So .

I can't decide on whether I want to stay home for another day and just get dropped off in Oshawa tomorrow since I don't really want to go to my ONE class at 8 am tomorrow -OR- if I should get dropped off today and just stay at my Oshawa house and just play around all day today and tomorrow not go to class and then Tuesday go to school. Monday it is still important for me to get up at least for 8 o'clock because picking our courses for next semester is at 9am .