blah :'(

I feel like legit sick to my stomach. My boyfriend is leaving college to go home for the semester since he doesn’t like his program. I’m fine with it. If it’s what he wants to do then I am okay with it. I’m just really upset about it. I make it seem like me and him are never going to see each other ever again even though I know we will. I’m just freaking out because I did EVERY THING with him and now he’s going to be gone within the next 5 hours :( Sleeping over at his house last night could have possibly been not such a good idea. Waking up this morning and leaving him to go to class was hard. Because I knew he would be leaving shortly after I am done class. I don’t like Oshawa and I only put up with it because he was there with me and helped me cope with it. I haven’t eaten REALLY in like three days, and I DON’T feel hungry at all either. I feel exhausted though because lack of sleep from worrying about everything for this next semester. I’m sure I’ll be fine. but the semester is going to go by slower because I won’t have him there to keep me busy constantly. We went everywhere together. he helped me get my groceries and we went out to eat and we just hung out together ALL the time. I don’t like that he is leaving but I know it would be better for him so I’m going to have to suck it up.

I will miss you :( <3

i swear..

that I have autophobia..

Autophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of loneliness, of being alone. A fear of solitude. Sufferers from autophobia may experience anxiety even though they realize that being alone does not threaten their well-being. They may worry about being ignored and unloved, or they may worry about intruders, strange noises or the possibility of developing a medical problem.

All of the things in bold italic, are ME..

Autophobia is the fear of being alone. And I really do have serious issues about being alone. I’m not a very independent person and I KNOW that I have to learn to be. But it’s hard. Especially when you haven’t been by yourself from the start really. Being shy also DOES not help whatsoever. If you are completely confident to walk down a street and talk to someone you don’t even know because you have to do it, than good for you. It’s obviously something you were born with and you are good at it. With me.. Well it’s a whole other story. If I was told to walk down a street and talk to someone I don’t know about something, first thing I do is ask someone if they want to come along, and then once I know somebody is going with me, I gain confidence and feel fine. But as soon as I have to be alone and in a situation I am not comfortable with, my confidence DROPS. I can’t handle being alone. It scares the crap out of me. Everybody always tells me.. Amber, you HAVE to learn to do stuff on your own or you’re not going to get anywhere in life. I know that. I’m just scared. I CAN do stuff on my own BUT I would rather not. People just don’t seem to understand me.

I am so angry and sick of everything.

I hate it when this happens.
Everything is so shitty lately.
I’m quite upset with things I have been told lately. I wish everything would just stop being so dumb and stay PERFECT for a while. I’m fine for a few days and then everything gets screwed up again. What the frig is with this shit all the time. 

Dear ___________,
You need to tell ________ that you are old enough to make your own decisions and it’s time that you ABLE to start making your own decisions. It’s clear you want to do what you want and you are being held back and ________ aren’t letting you go through with what you want and are forcing you to stay away from what you want. I know you are truely making some difficult decisions already but don’t let __________ hold you back from what you want. Stand up and tell __________ that you are sick of ________ trying to get you to do what ____________ want you to do. That’s unfair to you and I know that you know it is too. You have kept me sane and I’m not sure what I would do without you around. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t survive. It’s likely going to be hard if you actually do what _________ want but I’m going to have to live with it. 

Love, Amber. 

so i herd you liek mudkipz..

yesh, dis i herd, so i drewed dis.

I love..

when I talk in my sleep. Last night I spent the night at my boyfriends house and it was midnight. I was tired as flip. So I lay down on Andrew’s bed and try and sleep. Andrew is doing laundry and I pass out. He comes back sometime in my sleep and sits beside me or something. (I wouldn’t know when because I was asleep lol) Anyways. I’m sleeping. Like I am completely out of it and all of a sudden I say “I love how eight random animal monkeys just appear.” Then I hear a laugh. In my sleep and dream I THOUGHT I was talking to Andrew so when I woke up and realized what’s going on, I was like “Damn it.” So I wake up and realize I was talking in my sleep and say “Awh, fuck!” and dig my head into my pillow in embarrassment. Haha. Just thought I should share this random moment because everytime I think about it. I laugh hard.